My brain is a mess

Sometimes, I do not like being home.  I feel like my entire family judges me because I hang out with C, I have to ask permission to go anywhere, I rarely get to drive, and I always end up not getting my shit done and freaking out once I get back to school.  Fuck.  I don’t even know why I am writing in this stupid piece of crap now because I have two problem sets, a lab report, and a prelab to do.  Among other things.  I just need to type things out and not have my brain be screaming anymore.

Why do I act the way I do?  Why do I get so upset at stupid things?  I take everything too seriously, I let things build up and get mad at people who don’t really deserve it, I get scared too easily, and I let myselft overthink everything.  Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh I feel like I’ve just been no fun to hang out with this weekend because of how I think people see me.

It’s like I act how I want for a while and then all of a sudden it hits me that people might be assuming this or thinking that and I go into overdrive thinking about what I did.

This is not making sense.  My stomach feels crappy.  I hate being lactose intolerant and I swear it’s getting worse.

Expectations

I think I have finally lowered my expectations for summer/vacations to a good level.  Instead of hoping I’ll have fun all the time and hang out with my friends every single day, I have made reasonable goals.  Which makes me happy!

I’m not sure if I should feel pathetic or happy.

I finally cut my hair.  I am happy.

I watched lots of “How I Met Your Mother.”  That also made me happy.

But most importantly…I have new shoes!  Teehee.

Oh, summer.

Emotional detachment

Sometimes I feel like I get too emotionally attached to things.  Places, sounds, random objects, and people.  Most notably and obviously people.  

For the past few days, my dreams have been haunted by a select few individuals and variations of moments I had with each of them.  Maybe it’s because I don’t have as much to think about over the summer.  Or maybe I have too much time to think about what might have been, what could have been, blahblahblah.

I feel like I’m slowly driving myself insane.  What I need is a slap in the face to bring me back to reality and what has happened and what lies ahead of me in the future.

Sometimes I wish I could just turn off my emotions for a day to relax and detox from all these weird feelings.  Yes.

I don’t like my eyeballs.  My astigmatism is worse, my prescription went up, and I have to use eyedrops and take fish oil supplements for my dry eyes.  Yippee!

Things that shouldn’t bother me

But do anyway.  In no particular order…

1. Threadless and college.  I’ve been buying their shirts for years, so stop assuming I’m just jumping on the bandwagon.

2. My mother and her belief that the world revolves around her.

3. Spiders, spiders, spiders.  And any other insect I see in my house.  And lizards.  I keep seeing them in my backyard!

4. Lack of transportation while I am at home.

5. My skin.

And that is more than plenty.  I really need to have more tolerance for stupid things.  And patience.  And maybe get out of the house more before my parents drive me insane.

Antisocial

That I am.

Summer always makes me realize how content I am to just curl up and read or watch excessive amounts of tv.

Of course, that doesn’t mean I don’t get lonely once in a while.  I am just happy to do my own thing.

I think.

Tired

Friendship seems like such a fickle thing.

I just want things to be simple, but I don’t think they ever will be.

I don’t have to watch everything I do.  It’s like I don’t know how to be myself anymore.

I’m sorry for making so many mistakes.

I want to be happy around you.

Spazz

Ever since my chem final ended, I’ve had a lot of trouble concentrating.  I mean, a LOT.  I literally can’t sit still.  Yesterday during my Classics final, I got up to go to the bathroom just because I couldn’t sit there any longer.  I used up on my brain power on chem!

Anyway, my last final is in about four and a half hours and I’m not even done writing my cheat sheet yet.  I’m not even that worried, because all I can think about is going home.  I am so excited!  HOME! TONIGHT!  And I get Facebook back tonight too!  Which is more exciting to me than it should be.  Darn me and my stalkerish tendencies.  It’s okay, my roommate said I have a “healthy and natural curiosity” about things hahahaha.

Okay, my last calculus exam (EVER) awaits.

CUPERTINO!!!!!!

//edit

I FUCKING HATE MY NEIGHBOR.  HE IS THE MOST INCONSIDERATE BASTARD I HAVE EVER MET IN MY LIFE.  ONE THING THAT IS KEEPING ME FROM PUNCHING HIM IN THE FACE IS THE FACT THAT AFTER TODAY, I WILL PROBABLY NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN.

Another lonely Friday night

Most of you probably know this, but I don’t really go out a lot.  I don’t party, most of my friends (including me) are pretty big nerds, so we stay in touch with our books for more than is healthy.  And so once again, I am in my room on a Friday night, wondering why I am so lame.  Actually, this Friday is a tiny bit different because I’m mentally beating myself up for not starting to study for finals, which is going to bit me in the ass later.  Whatever.  Fridays are the days I catch up with my weeks worth of tv, and I’m okay with my little lame tradition.

I’m going home for the weekend tomorrow to move a bunch of stuff back home, go to the CYS concert, and celebrate Mother’s Day.  I’m actually really glad my dad was willing to pick me up, even though I’ll only be home for like 24 hours.  It’s okay though, soon I will be home to spend lots of time withe my family.  Hooray.  Anyway, I was packing up a bunch of stuff I won’t be needing anymore, and now I have four boxes stacked next to my bed and it kind of makes me sad to stare at them. 

This year went by way too fast, and I can’t believe I’m almost done with my first year here at Berkeley.  Even though there are things I wish I did or didn’t do, this was a pretty good first year.  Hopefully next year will be even better, and I am going to make a concious effort to accomplish that.  As much as I hate my room here sometimes, it’s going to be kind of sad leaving.  And I’ll definitely miss my roommate!  Although I can’t say that I will miss the rest of my crazy floor.  It’s okay, I have interesting stories to tell.

I guess I should stop stalling and just hunker down and study.  As much as I love it here sometimes, studying this hard and feeling like an idiot doesn’t make me feel so good.  But positive thoughts positive thoughts because I will get through finals and come out on top!  Yes.

Alright brain, work your magic.

I feel like my posts are always kind of just brain vomit.  Hahaha it’s okay, get to know me as I am.

403

So I just picked my room for next year and I have the same room number.  In a different building of course.

I just decided that was weird enough to tell the world.

Yeah, I’m definitely bored.

Two weeks until summer.  Cannot wait to go home.

Help, I’m going crazy!

Identity crisis

I feel like I’m having an identity crisis.

Or a mid-life crisis at the age of 19.

Hahaha seriously Andrea?

During my interview on Sunday, I was asked what I would do if I had all the time in the world.

Right now I’d really like some more time to just lie in bed and think.

I feel like there are so many things I need to think about, so many things I need to set straight in my head.  There are things I wish I could forget, things I wish never happened.  I’m feeling kind of sick of myself at the moment and I’m really not sure how I got here.  Somewhere along the way, I turned into someone I’m rather unhappy with.  I don’t even know what’s bothering me.  And no, it’s not what people might assume.  Really.  It’s something bigget, something weird that’s happened to me.

And other times I think I think too much, and maybe that’s why I’m here.

I do believe I have a what the fuck situation on my hands.