Why must I over think everything?

It’s been a long week. The first full week of classes is always the worst, and coupled with random shit flying at me, it has just been ridiculous. I’m sure things will get better, but right now I am just really feeling the weight of everything.

And when I’m overly exhausted, I tend to cry really easily and think about things way too much. I have been doing too much crying and too much worrying about the near and not so near future. I have spent too many late nights going over scenarios in my head that have to do with the big hazy cloud that is my future. 

Things are going to be fine. I have two more years to cherish, and I will make the best out of them. What comes after that, I don’t know yet. But I will figure it out. We will figure it out. Plus, I’ve pieced myself back together once, and I’m sure I can do it again if I have to. Who knows.

Blah, this has been too depressing. Sorry for being a debbie downer!

The weather has been nice and I have been wearing cute summery clothes for once.

Also, hooray for football season starting! 52-3, Aggies can suck it!

Fifteen years

The other day, I met with the writing instructor for my MCAT class.  He told me that we were going to do an exercise in imagination and asked me to describe my life in fifteen years.  This would be after finishing my education, passing my boards, finding a stable job, and settling down.

For a few seconds, all I could think was, “Dude.  I’ll be 35.  That’s so old.”  But then I gave it some thought.

In fifteen years, I will be a doctor.  I see myself working in a hospital about 20 minutes from where I live.  I like the idea of working with kids-they’re much more trusting and honest than adults are.  I picture myself in a cozy house in the suburbs of California.  I will be married and will have children, and hopefully pets.

I don’t know.  When I said it out loud, it all sounded so simple.  I guess in a way, it is.  I know what I want,  and I just have to put in the effort to make it happen.  Even though I’m a pretty future oriented person, it scares me a little to think about myself as a full-fledged adult.  I need to stop being so afraid of failure.

One funny quote I thought I would share from my conversation with him:

“Make sure you really plan for children if you want them.  Children are chronophages!  They will eat all of your time!”

Hahaha I will be sure to keep that in mind.

Baggage

It’s like Ted says during the episode “The Wedding Bride” from How I Met Your Mother.  Everybody has baggage.

Each and every relationship we have has an impact on us, and the first long-term relationship probably has the most impact.  There’s just something about it being the first time that makes it that much harder to move on.  Even if it ended well, even if you’re still friends and you’re both happy the way things are, it’s hard to ignore the past.  Someday, they’ll cross your mind unexpectedly.  Sometimes, you’ll bring them up in conversation.  They’ve taken up so much of you for so long that it takes a long time to get it all out.

This has just been on my mind a lot recently, mostly because I’m with somebody new and sometimes it just reminds me of the past.  Everything is different, but also familiar in some strange way.  I don’t really know how quite to describe it, and maybe it doesn’t matter.  But I can’t help but feel like I have a lot of baggage.  I’ve made a lot of stupid mistakes, and I can’t take back what I did.  I wouldn’t really call it regret, because I’m not sad or ashamed.  I think I’m so conscious of my past because he doesn’t have the same problem.  He says it doesn’t change anything, and I just have to believe him.  I just can’t help thinking about it sometimes.

What matters most is that I’m happy right now.  Every time we’re chatting online, I sit in front of the computer with this stupid smile on my face.  We make weird faces on Skype just to see each other laugh.  Whenever I’m angry or stressed out, I can count on him to help me mellow out.  He teases me about my quirks and cares too much when I bump into things because of my clumsiness.  And you know, being happy is what matters most to me.

So I have a past.  Well, I have a future too.

And since I know you’re probably going to read this at some point or another, thank you for everything.  I miss you, but you’ll be home soon enough :)