Happy face

It’s always the little things.

Like teaching me not to be a noob and let my dumplings stick to the bottom of the pot. Putting the dishes in the sink. Helping me carry things even when I don’t really need help. Making sure I get my work done. Trying to kill bugs for me.

And of course, making me smile.

Sighhhh :)

Baggage

It’s like Ted says during the episode “The Wedding Bride” from How I Met Your Mother.  Everybody has baggage.

Each and every relationship we have has an impact on us, and the first long-term relationship probably has the most impact.  There’s just something about it being the first time that makes it that much harder to move on.  Even if it ended well, even if you’re still friends and you’re both happy the way things are, it’s hard to ignore the past.  Someday, they’ll cross your mind unexpectedly.  Sometimes, you’ll bring them up in conversation.  They’ve taken up so much of you for so long that it takes a long time to get it all out.

This has just been on my mind a lot recently, mostly because I’m with somebody new and sometimes it just reminds me of the past.  Everything is different, but also familiar in some strange way.  I don’t really know how quite to describe it, and maybe it doesn’t matter.  But I can’t help but feel like I have a lot of baggage.  I’ve made a lot of stupid mistakes, and I can’t take back what I did.  I wouldn’t really call it regret, because I’m not sad or ashamed.  I think I’m so conscious of my past because he doesn’t have the same problem.  He says it doesn’t change anything, and I just have to believe him.  I just can’t help thinking about it sometimes.

What matters most is that I’m happy right now.  Every time we’re chatting online, I sit in front of the computer with this stupid smile on my face.  We make weird faces on Skype just to see each other laugh.  Whenever I’m angry or stressed out, I can count on him to help me mellow out.  He teases me about my quirks and cares too much when I bump into things because of my clumsiness.  And you know, being happy is what matters most to me.

So I have a past.  Well, I have a future too.

And since I know you’re probably going to read this at some point or another, thank you for everything.  I miss you, but you’ll be home soon enough :)

Two Is Better Than One

Since November 29, 2009, there’s been a draft of a blog that I wrote with this same title.  I finally went back and looked it over, and there are some interesting quotes from my friends in there.

You’ve really grown up these past two years.

This one was unexpected, because I don’t usually hear that from people.  It really got me thinking about how college had changed me, and in a good way.  I’m not the same scared little teenager that I was two years ago.  I know what I want in life (kind of ), and I’m doing it on my own terms.  I’ve learned how to take care of myself, and how to manage on my own.  And perhaps most importantly, I’ve learned to trust myself a little more.

You need to find some nice guy to take care of you.

At the time, I just rolled my eyes because it was just so weird considering who it was coming from.  I laughed it off and said that I was fine on my own, that I wasn’t some fragile thing needing protection from the world.

It’ll come when you least expect it.

This was from some  late night chat full of analyzing past relationships and crushes, me complaining about being single, and laughing about past stupidity.  All I can say is, she was right.

Funny how drastically things can change in a few months.  And funny how the things I was so upset about back then are all but forgotten now.  Well, some of them at least.

Oh life.

I baked lots of cookies today and made people happy.  Which made me happy.  Yay! :)

Heehee.

I can’t stop smiling :)

I’m happy!

February Highlights

Because my life isn’t always crazy and study-filled!  With pictures to make it more interesting :)

• WATCHING WICKED!  I bought tickets for myself and my parents as a birthday gift to my mommy.  Expensive, but TOTALLY WORTH IT.  I’ve been listening to the soundtrack a lot now, and it never fails to cheer me up.  I don’t even know how to describe how much I enjoyed watching it.  AHHH!!!!  Highlight of my year so far!
  

  I love my mommy!

• 3 visits from Eric!  One to give me a new umbrella, another to give me pepper spray, and another…just because I’m awesome.  Or maybe because he’s pretty awesome himself.  Sometimes.
  

  Temporary tattoos are fun when you're bored. Thanks Eric! (Or should I say Stef. Haha)

• Going home for the first time since winter break and having a wonderful weekend.  Kind of just what I needed as a pre-midterm break from Berkeley.
  

  Super cute mini recycle bin my mom got from some random thing.

• I finished my first Daily Cal crossword!  With some help though.  So silly.
  

  My first completed Daily Cal crossword!

Okay, I better get back to doing some actual work.  Midterms galore!

Open Up Your Eyes

Don’t you hate it when things make so much sense in your head, but as soon as you try and tell someone it just sounds lame?

This happens to me all the time.  ALL.  THE.  TIME.  Even talking to C. today, I stopped in the middle and was just thought, “Dude Andrea you sound like a total idiot.”  And he’s one of my best friends!  I can’t even phrase things correctly when I’m talking to someone who I am completely comfortable with.  So here I am trying to sort my mess of a brain out.

I’ve always found it kind of difficult to say that I am happy.  I have such high expectations for myself and tend to just mentally beat myself up if things end up going wrong.  I tend to find some little thing that I’m not satisfied with, something that makes me want to work harder.  True, it’s a good motivator, but I think this has also caused me way too much stress and unhappiness in my life.

More recently, I’ve found myself being more optimistic and just happier in general.  True, I still let some of the little things get to me, but I think not as much as before.  For all three of my midterms so far this year, I’ve tried to think positively and tell myself that my hard studying will pay off, which I think has done wonders for me.  I mean, I still stress out, but I’ve gotten rid of the whole “I’m going to fail” mindset and am trying to think more in the way of “everything will work itself out.”  It sounds simple, and C. has been telling me for years, but I guess it never really sunk in until now.  Maybe it’s because I no longer have that crutch of having one person that I can always rely on to reassure me.  Okay fine, I definitely had my share of freak outs before midterms last year, but this year I feel like I’ve just been a lot more calm about being stressed out.

So long story short, I am happy.  Some of it is due to the fact that I am now the “optimistic mom” figure in my room.  Some of it is due to the fact that my parents are starting to really trust my decision making skills and let me make my own way in life and having faith in me and supporting me more than they ever have.  And a huge part of it is that after all this time, I finally get what C. has been trying to get me to understand all along.  Thanks.  It’s kind of nice knowing that a good part of somebody I respect so much has rubbed off on me a bit.

So glad that I got to see one of my favorite people this weekend, but now it’s back to the daily grind.  Berkeley, please be kind to me, I like you more than you know hahaha.

And all the peace you could never find is waiting there to hold and keep you.

Fireflies

Three kind of related but not really rambles.

1. I am so lucky to be able to come home whenever I want to.  As stupid as it may sound, I love having my parents take care of me for a weekend,  chastising me about not eating more when I’m at school, checking up on me to make sure I’m not studying too much, feeding me constantly, and making me feel so at home.  I feel like I appreciate the time that I have at home more now because like it or not, I’m growing up.  It’s only a matter of time before I’ll be officially out on my own, and it’s hard to get all four of us under the same roof for long.  And I really like being able to drive once in a while, especially since I need all the practice I can get!
2. I think I am just in a generally better mood than usual because I have finished my first round of midterms, I got my first real paycheck as an SM, and just random little things that have made me smile in the past few days.  Even though I still have so much to do, I feel good!  I have a lot of expectations for myself this semester, and I think I have been doing a good job so far.  So I am happy.
3. Visiting high school makes me feel ridiculously old.  I had forgotten it was Homecoming for Monta Vista but I made a quick stop just to say hi to some people.  It made me realize how quickly things change, how time really does fly.  My link kid is all grown up and was a princess on court!  My weight training buddies are all seniors now!  Boy do I feel old.  But something about it makes me kind of smile.

I’d like to make myself believe,

That Planet Earth turns slowly.

I’d like to make myself believe, that Planet Earth turns slowly.

Not As We

I’ve been trying to listen to all the music I have on my computer.  So basically, I’m playing all the songs on iTunes that have a play count of zero.  Which makes for a rather odd but interesting listening experience.  Movie soundtracks are actually a lot of fun to listen to, classical music does not help me concentrate better, and boy bands will always have a special place in my heart.

The first few days of classes are over and I am still excited for this semester, which I take as a good sign.  My good feelings haven’t worn out yet!  But I am definitely having trouble motivating myself to work and do all the things I need to do.  Bio reading has been putting me to sleep way too much, and hopefully this trend does not continue.  Otherwise, it’s going to be hard going for the next three years, haha.  But I think I’ll be fine on that part as soon as I get my groove back.

I had my first work shift yesterday, and being an SM is actually not as boring as I thought it would be.  I mean, I expected a lot worse.  But some people are really friendly, which makes me happy.  Nice people make me smile.  Oh and I love how flustered I get around cute boys.  Way to make an impression.  But that’s not exactly important!

You know, it took me long enough but I think I’m finally happy with how things are.

From scratch begin again but this time I as I.

Seesaw weeks

Ever since I got back to school after Spring Break, I feel like there have just been so many extreme ups and downs.

Not failing two midterms!  Epic failing one midterm.  Getting rejected for the second time.  Not getting rejected!  Having a visitor!  Screwing up a paper.  It’s all swirling around in my head and I’m slowly processing all the information.

I think I’ve started to just accept things rather than react to them.  There’s no use being sad about something that I can’t change.  But at least I still know how to be happy about things that matter to me.  I guess I have a soul after all.

Anyway, I’m just glad that my brain is getting a slight break until finals, which are coming up way too soon.  Then again, summer is just around the corner!  I love the sun and summer clothes and warm nights and relaxing.  Okay fine, summer session is probably going to kick my ass, but at least I’ll have three day weekends every week.

I think I’ve been doing a better job being happier recently.  Hahah that sounds horrible, like I have to work so hard at it.  But if you know me, you know it’s not easy for me to let things go when they bother me.  I’m getting better at it!

I also love weekends and sleeping in.  I feel so refreshed!

Perspective

This is for Carolyn, who I just sent off to the BART station.  Boooo.  But I’ll be home Friday to see you again!

So.  After the shittiest and longest week of my life (kind of), I was super excited to find out that Carolyn was visiting Friday night.  I had my last midterm Friday too, so that was good too.  We had our mini Monta Vista reunion and hiked up to the Big C.  I guess I’m kind of a failure of a Cal student because I had never been up there before, but oh well.  It was just nice catching up with people and talking and whatever.  Dinner at Cheeseboard was delicious, and Facebook stalking is so much more fun when you have someone to giggle with!  Nude Sushi late at night is yummmm.  Anyway.

I guess the best part about having a visitor was getting another person’s perspective about Cal.  I kind of have this love/hate relationship with Berkeley, and it’ll probably always be a little bit like that.  But just hearing someone tell me how amazing everything around here is and how lucky I am really made me think about how I should be more positive and appreciate being here.  And of course, I loved being able to blabber on about anything and not feel like a weirdo and just update her about everything.

I’m not really sure what I’m saying, but I feel happier than I have all week and I’m lucky to have such great people in my life.

Now if my voice would return to normal so I don’t sound like a guy with a half changed voice…

AND!  I finally got the Post Secret book I ordered for myself as a birthday gift.  Only like two months too late, but whatever.  Excitement!